Parnus- Part 1- New Earth

After being cast in darkness for weeks, blushing Parnus moonslight flooded the cabin and allowed him to shut down pin-prick lights overhead, saving what power he could for landing. Her eyes darting behind their lids, Scotia didn’t surface as quickly as Dusan desired. A staccato beat reverberated in the cramped space, his giveaway foot in sync with short and quick breaths. A relaxant mist no longer delivered in tandem with oxygen and nitrogen. Two years he’d waited. “Scotia”, he bent down and whispered close to her ear, long nimble fingers brushing her hair back from her creased forehead. It had grown, an initially positive indication of cell coherence despite a silver hue. If anyone was made for this sunless planet, it was Scotia, he thought and traced one vividly blue vein the length of her clavicle.

“Approaching Parnus”, the craft announced. “Secure your person and all loose objects within the next sixty seconds before momentum shifts”, it instructed. His hand lingered against her cheek for a moment longer. Momentum shift, indeed. Whatever lay ahead, at least she was here with him and Zehmy.

Except, Scotia still dreamed of old earth. She paced the gardens of Eudaimonia, normally where she’d find her best friend Haffney, hunched over eggplant or pepper plants, never choosing the best for their weekly portion as she did. Where could he be? Once, there had been sprawling flower gardens complete with an intricate hedge maze and baby animal statuary which separated Eudaimonia’s scientific center from the shoreline a few miles away. A sea surge claimed that parcel not long after most of the population left for Parnus. Her eyes stung from the gusting salty wind, but an almost-full moon helped her navigate a path. “Haff?”, she called feebly. Deja vu fluttered like a sheer curtain in her periphery. She retreated a couple of paces. Sounds from the equipment shed carried on the wind and made her heart clench as if it stopped. Scotia’s shorn head hinged back and forth fiercely in the shadowy night as her mind struggled with what it heard. Preeky’s cries of pleasure were plain, as was his “yeah, that’s it”. Scotia ran then, away from the shed, away from Haff and betrayal, back to their container where she’d plead illness. Just for the day. Then she’d get it together, she thought, but her body heaved with sobs and her childhood sweetheart story lodged in her throat. She damned Dusan, again, for leaving her behind on this dying planet. But… how did she hear him, “Scotia! Scotia”, excited and definitely Dusan, “We’re here, Scotia!”

Although they efforted, earth’s civilization could not recover enough ecosystem to sustain the species. Extinction became probable as catastrophic events occurred almost daily and fertility grew scarce at an equally stifling rate. Those who remained in the western world created Eudaimonia, a new society, in a region formerly known as Colorado. Scotia, Haffney and Dusan were born in Eudaimonia and began training for a new planetary home before the age of five.

Despite world unification, Mother Earth and Father Sun did not open their hearts again for humanity. Her core mantle and atmospheric shield abused beyond repair, she now only needed water to cool her from his raging beams. In only two short decades, they lost most of the world’s artful masterpieces, along with the seven wonders of the world and cave drawings dating back to the dawn of mankind. The seas rose over Vatican City, completing the fall of Rome, while towering skyscrapers across the world fell unceremoniously. Eventually, Eudaimonia’s population sustained themselves on a single meal of millet and sweet potatoes, later adding iron-rich plasma snacks when prisons became insecure. Cannibalism wore a disguise of justice.

Remaining scientists became royalty, and as such, reassigned resources toward discovering an exostar or moon with a habitable zone. They hoped for two decades, at least, of data collecting. Their plan provided time to devise survival necessities and structure developmental plans. Repopulation hopes seemed more fantastical than relocating. For once, every human on old earth agreed discovery was their primary move if humans advanced to another planetary home. After a decade of increasingly desperate and resultingly daring exploration of the Milky Way, only two viable sub-planets were discovered, exhaustively studied, and to everyone’s sorrow, ruled out .

Commander Xavier Parnus hypothesized a harnessing of enigmatic forces between Baade’s Window and the Galactic Center in order to travel outside of the Milky Way. His theories met with scorn, mockery and threats to his explorer license until, with the help of Dr. Urick Parnus’ biophysics team, he found a way through and beyond. The sons of astronauts, the brothers were catapulted into heroes worth worshipping once Parnus was deemed unexpectedly habitable.

While Dusan’s bio-pod had opened a week prior, Scotia had remained in an induced theta state with periodic windows of deep delta wave restoration until they arrived in the orbit of Parnus’ furthest moon. The pod provided several essentials: oxygen, hydration, nutrition, waste removal, and cryogenic sleep. In preparation for Scotia’s retrieval from old earth/Eudaimonia, Dusan himself had added an extra layer of shielding in hopes of mitigating metabolic changes and cellular abnormalities upon morphogenesis, or “reorganization” as Eudaimonia’s elders preferred to describe the process.

Frowning at a tiny oval scar at Scotia’s hairline, Dusan wondered whether he’d made a mistake agreeing to the implant. Coni would’ve let him add his affirmations regardless, he thought, then cast his regret away with a shrug.

Conshoi, Dusan’s sister and reluctant Director of Health on Parnus, added psyche reconditioning and unity consciousness to the orientation modules in Scotia’s biopod. “Coni”, as Dusan called her, also let her brother insert a few assurances throughout Scotia’s theta periods, after she gave her older brother an enormous dose of teasing. Nothing comes for free, she’d reminded him. With Dusan’s consent, an epicortical nano implant was placed easily with Scotia in cryogenic stasis. Research volunteers were scarce on Parnus, although generalized fear seemed to be relenting according to Coni’s measurements. Still, she considered all of the 388 humans who inhabited Parnus psychologically fragile.

“Scotia, we’re home”, his long dark fingers caressed her cheek and stirred their nano-implants into a dopamine dump with a bit of serotonin, a calming hormone he suspected she lacked. Her eyes calmed and the edges of her mouth turned up. Sharp edges of her collarbones and wrists had softened some since they departed Eudaimonia. Her cheeks weren’t sunken anymore, the injuries from bashing into the cliff face mere shadows now. The state of her mind would take longer to assess than her physical condition, her experiences an anomaly in the new Parnus population. People were accustomed to her being an anomaly, though. Dusan didn’t think she’d be happy about muscle loss, but Zehmy would make up for any negatives, after her initial shock. Almost two years could not be undone in 32 days, he knew, but he had not felt this hopeful since… Dusan shook his head, his braid clamps clinking at his back. “Scotia, wake up. Come see these bubble waterfalls on our moons”, he told her as her eyes slit and her head swiveled to him. “Here, let me get your breathing tube. You ready?” At her nod, his mouth turned up at the corners. Of course, she was ready. “You know what to do. Here we go, Scotia. Inhale. Now big exhale.” So far, so good. Her cough sprayed him in a fine mist and activated a humming air vacuum. ”Here, let me help”. A tickling sensation in her cheeks made her involuntarily crinkle her nose as he suctioned out her mouth.

She’d made it. Scotia squinted her scratchy eyes toward the rosy sky outside their spacecraft’s viewing panel. After taking a slow and long sip of unfamiliar liquid from a hydrobot, she croaked, “How soon”? Dreams of Zehmy had filled her theta wave periods even before their journey to Parnus. Drawing in enough air to inflate her lungs felt impossible, as if an immoveable weight sat in their depths. “I feel like if I could get a few deep breaths my mind would clear”, she whispered to Dusan, his face close to hers.

“Your body is waking up and taking over where the pod functioned. I’ll get some measurements in a minute,” Dusan replied. He lifted her out of the pod to a nearby padded chaise where he’d slept next to her since his biopod opened. He hoped he never had to get in one again. Despite closing the viewing panel and ports on immense swaths of nothingness, space was lonely. Scotia was not the only one excited about a reunion with Zehmy.

Ixkeeb insisted on an in-person introduction to Scotia. Dusan’s wide forehead creased and he let out a long exhale. If he didn’t warn her… or even if he did, Scotia’s reaction would determine all of their futures.

Do you play in your daily life? #bloganuary

My grandson, who is seven and half (it counts when you are this age, trust me), has taught me how to play again, his latest a remedy to my sedentary lifestyle- Pokemon Go. It turns out that once you start playing with a child regularly, an inner kid wakes up and starts having ideas about playing. Mine loves to dance! So we do that daily.

Exiles

Alphonse Mucha, Mars, 1899

voices decanted from a forgotten vessel

stirred in my bowl of belly senses

with care and precision by the manager

oblivious to a warrior child impatiently waiting

unspeakables falling out of her pocket

as she drums into creation

a newborn dragon nestled in ash

one eye open and searching

heaven’s detours for a

never-imagined journey

along illuminated slopes

slippery with meteoric insight

ecliptic signposts alchemized in timelessness

newborn galaxies explosions of awareness

unmarred unwounded unknown

slow cautions Saturn

feel and flow

sky as sea

reflecting black iris depths

from the edge of her abyss

a living volcano driving upward

lava roiling in her heart

cooled by eternal divine waves

she claims invisible Mars

her pockets inside out empty

with a nod she removes her helmet

and sheaths a broken sword

“I am the Sun!”

a sea of tears whispers within

I am the stars

Mars unfurls her baby wings

Courtland Cemetery

I was drawn here to find my ancestors graves. Once here, others beckoned, many with names and dates worn away. My Great-Great Grandfather William Beatty died from TB (“consumption”), common at the time.

I couldn’t find my Great-Great Grandmother Lucy Flynn’s grave among the Flynn markers, but maybe I will find her next time. A few women’s graves are marked simply with “Wife” to “a man’s name” and there are many small white stone markers without names.

Age is noted on many gravestones, even down to the # of days.

Voice

At ten

secrets leaked

on yellow pages

“Bruises on my Soul”

Innocent heart

nudging in shadow

sensing

lifelong land mines

Keys swing

on my hip

but locks

on Medicine

dissipate on

my tongue

Beckoning heart

Rousing

an inherited impulse

to unlock

Everything

Eudaimonia-Part 5

Galactic Exit

Maybe I’d gotten over my fear of Dusan once, but now?  My circle of trust barely exists since Preeky, my closest friend, confessed her feelings for Haff. It’s been almost two years since a starship loaded with almost everyone I love left earth. Twenty months since I sat for a week on the shore waiting for Dusan to retrieve me . Almost two years of weighing every single move as a despised and closely-watched “Culler” from a former Elite family. Twenty months of wondering why he betrayed me. We may as well be strangers, despite his intimate demeanor while cleaning my scrapes. He clearly means for me to return with him to Parnus, but in what capacity?

Hazy sunlight forms a halo around his imposing form on the outside ledge, angular stalactites casting arrows of light through the cave’s high slim opening. Lowering myself to the silty cave floor, I let it sink in that he’s finally come. Not for the first time, he reminds me of a carved ebony statue of Shaka, a fearsome Zulu warrior who towered above me in my great grandfather’s bamboo-paneled hall of collectibles where I sometimes hid with a book. It seems so long ago, yet I can hear my mother calling for me when I close my eyes, almost feel the sun’s cozy warmth radiating through leaded windows.

He’s come back at some risk to himself, it occurs to me. Is he staying outside in dangerous sunshine to give me time to collect myself? As if I can sort my racing thoughts and ballooning feelings. Or, perhaps he’s communicating with Parnus or his mother. Or maybe he’s drinking in a panoramic sea view, nostalgic yet predictably sad. On the cliffs by his family’s estate, Dusan once told me I should take time to admire such things, especially in an emotional crisis. I feel the same now about his sentiment as I did then, except now- outrage, even violence are in my periphery and barely held in check. He took my son, first here on old earth, then again to Parnus, a galaxy away. Telepathically I reach again for Haff and am met with silent space. Dusan is the gatekeeper to Zehmy, I remind myself, exhaling long and slow as he brings the last of our gear in the cave. He swivels his head, not looking at me, but gaping at our surroundings.

First on a naturally gifted list of Soroka traits isn’t his height nor his intellect. Dusan’s unadulterated genealogy gave the Soroka family freedom, and ultimately-power. As the earth’s ozone dissipated in the 21st century, humans with minimal melanin or “caucasians”, lost any ability to withstand sunlight. Fortunately, most humans are multiracial in the 22nd century. Unfortunately for my family, very few people wanted to partner with pale humans who could only go outdoors after dusk. Being considered comparatively ugly didn’t help, either. Rubbing a hand over my prickly scalp usually soothes me, but it doesn’t now as I imagine what I must look like-a desensitized killer/Culler with a shorn head, frightened eyes and exhausted face. Not exactly new earth material. The thought makes me giggle despite a sea of unknowns.

“You ALL stay here. Together, for months”, Dusan sounds incredulous as he peers into an inky vastness where we store food and culling supplies. His deep voice is swallowed by the cave, one of its gifts when over two hundred people are inside. Pausing in his assessment, he waits expectantly for me to inform him. Pride wells in my chest. “This is home for citizens of Eudaimonia during the summer, when sunlight and temperatures render our containers and labs uninhabitable”, I report without hesitation. It’s my first time being here both in springtime and without Haff. Damp chill emanating from rock walls gives me goosebumps. After baking in mud a short while ago, I relish the shivers on my still-wet limbs. Dusan notices, opens one of his packs, and pulls out something shimmery. “Your mother asked me to bring you this. We have a successful Eri silkworm farm on Parnus”, he says, holding out an iridescent robe with buttons refashioned from my grandmother’s silver rosette earrings. It is otherworldly, truly exquisite. And entirely useless.

“Unbelievable”, I shake my head. “She leaves me for dead then sends a gift. Keep it safe for me, Dusan. As I trust you’ve kept Zehmy?” Nothing else matters to me, certainly not another piece of finery, even if it does pique my curiosity. It’s been a while since I felt hurt by her cursory affection, although the buttons are an unusual touch. She needs me for something, I think.

“Don’t be foolish”, Dusan tells me with a hint of arrogance and a shake of the garment. “That sun will dry your clothing in minutes”. If it was anyone else, I’d think he was trying to see me naked. Unflinching, I disrobe quickly before I can think about it, and shake my damp clothes back at him. “Good point. Here. Trade you”. Holding out my well-worn garments in one hand, I’m sure to brush his skin with my fingers as we swap. Dusan’s eyes narrow with a quick intake of breath. I pretend not to notice as our nanotattoos bounce electromagnetic energy between us, but I can feel the cocktail of hormones released from both my adrenals and pituitary. This is why Haff told me to run. If I feel it, then so does he.

“Did you do something to Haff, Dusan?”, I ask, failing to sound unaffected even to my own ears. 

Dusan looks at me and tilts his braided head thoughtfully, his chest rising slowly in a deep breath as if he’s gathering himself.

“Haff violated our betrothal contract AGAIN, Scotia. I commuted his sentence when you were pregnant, and lost respect for it”. Back in complete control of himself, Dusan informs me, “Haff is being culled per my order, just and fitting for a man who doesn’t control himself. Don’t worry- I added slow draining despite his despicable dishonesty. You’ll get to say goodbye, BRIEFLY”, he stresses, “before we leave for Parnus. He can make up for the protein packs we’re taking with us on launch”.

My breath is coming faster as he reveals why I cannot feel Haff telepathically, our rare connection broken by a femoral port emptying his life’s blood. Oh my sky and stars, oh no, what did I do? My mother warned me I would cost Haff everything.

“How could you, Dusan? You usurp my authority! You said you appreciated him keeping me alive”, I hate the sound of my voice pleading. Damn the sunlight! for the millionth time.

While I cannot get to Haff, Dusan can. “You don’t want that between us. We have a chance, you and I. Isn’t living here on this dying planet more than enough punishment? Please”. My chest hurts at the thought of costing Haff his life.

Dusan looks skyward, unable to meet my eyes as he says hurriedly, “Haff was assigned the Culler position, Scotia. You weren’t even supposed to be here, remember? Once we are away from here we can parse out everything that’s happened. I promise. Right now I need you to trust me, at least a little”, his eyes are earnest as he finally makes himself look into my eyes, takes my hand in one of his, and lets out a loud sigh as if it genuinely pains him to drop truth on me like a two-ton boulder. Peering into their depths, I know, but I don’t accept it.

“Nooo”, my head automatically swivels back and forth with denial, “that can’t be true, Dusan … that day, I was wrecked when I saw the boosters splash down. you were gone, Zehmy was gone… the holo they left for us at the Health Center had my name next to Culler. Everyone saw it, along with Haff’s as BC Department Head. He told me I could change the process, make it more humane”. My memory is blurred by disassociation after discovering I was left behind and sentenced to be a despised Culler. Haff is more interesting in growing food than babies, it’s true. No successful embryonic nursery graduations in years, despite gene manipulations and cell displacement trials, were explained away. Even if I had known, I might not have done anything about it. “You’re sure?” He nods and shakes my hand a little.

My identity, everything I’d trained for from childhood as a “Parnus Pioneer” ended the moment I’d became culler, the weight of it almost too much… if not for Haff. With Zehmy also gone, it felt like my heart froze; I became numb. Haffney was all I had left. My knees buckle a little remembering. I’m unsure what was worse- hatred directed toward me those first few months or intense longing for my child and a life other than one on the edge of extinction. Haff wouldn’t do that to me. Except he did? Silence is obnoxiously loud in the cave until drops of condensation from meters above us hit the cave’s sandy floor in a soft staccato. I’m barely holding back tears. “Why would he do that? It makes no sense”, I insist.

“I guess he knew you would do what needed to be done, you know-for everyone’s survival. Everyone knows that about you, that you care enough to do the right thing, especially when it’s hard. Now you know Haffney’s character. He takes the easy path, Scotia”, Dusan’s usual flat tone is tinged with anger, “We can unravel the whole mess while we’re traveling. We need to get off this planet. Eudaimonia can continue without your help. We’ve always known the ending, Sco”. His dark eyes boring into me makes me uncomfortable, my understanding crucial to him for some weird reason. Sensing my need for space, he says, “I’ll be right back”.

Silk kisses my ankles and the tops of my feet as I put more distance between us. The buttery fabric reminds me of the old privileged Scotia, the one who did not fathom the complete interconnectedness of all things in an ecosystem. Drips of condensation fall like rain around the edge of a large round opening in the mountain hundreds of feet above me slowly filling with light during the sun’s descent and making this area glow for hours. A pair of flowering cumquat trees stand on the far side of the light circle, grown to maturity just as Garvey predicted when we left the cave last fall. Letting copper-colored water sprinkling steadily from above splash on my outstretched scraped-up hand for a second, I decide this is what I need. After laying the silk robe on the cave floor, I close my eyes and let the warm liquid trickle over my face and mix with my tears.

I can sense him a moment before Dusan pulls me to him and holds me there while I sob into the center of his chest until I run out of tears. “I’m sorry. None of this would’ve happened if my mother hadn’t interfered”, he says.

Although I thoroughly understand culling legal code, including penalties for interference, I can’t let Haff be culled. If I leave while he continues here I can imagine him laughing despite everything, remembering the way he finds the funny and buoys a group when despair rolls in, the way he considers everyone’s collective welfare. Pushing away from him yet allowing his arms to remain around my shoulders, I plead, “They need Haff to survive, especially with me leaving the planet”.

Dusan bends down, wipes my tears with his thumbs, then relents, “This is the 2nd time I’ve broken the law for you, Scotia Braun”. Picking up my robe he cautions, “You’re turning a little pink”.

“Let me get dry quick”. I move into the center where there is only diffuse sunlight and spin slowly with my arms out, relishing the soft warm light, then move them up and down like wings, enjoying his concerned gaze. Dancing out of the circle of light I don the robe he’s offering for the 2nd time. “Thank you”, I tell him. “Now tell me more about Zehmy, please Dusan. Did he tolerate the travel ok? What did you tell him about me”?

Withdrawing a silver square micro-projector from a barely perceptible slit in his skinsuit, he smiles at me for the first time since he’s been back. My heart skips as Zehmy’s wide smile and long-lashed golden eyes light up the cave wall closest to us. A boy’s face, a bit flushed from excitement, droplets of sweat above his upper lip, surprises me. He’s grown more than I imagined.

“I told him it was a mistake that you weren’t on the ship. He argues with me about it, says he knows I’m lying. He wouldn’t even acknowledge my mother before she expired”, Dusan casually declares. At my shocked expression he says, “Several mature leaders experienced issues adjusting to the climate on Parnus. Their sacrifices were honored”.

“Mommy, I love you. Why can’t I see her, Dusan”? My heart hurts and I hold my breath waiting for the answer. Dusan isn’t in the frame, just Zehmy with the same curly russet hair, much shorter than the wild mane I remember. A pink sky and what looks like a flying star zooms back and forth behind Zehmy and leaves trails of rippling clear matter. Liquid, maybe?

“Mommy is on Old Earth, Zehmy, remember? Daddy is going to show her this holo when I go there and ask her to return to Parnus with me”, Dusan replies to Zehmy.

Zehmy’s eyes swim with tears as he peers earnestly at the holographic recorder. ”Mommy, please come to Parnus and live with me and Daddy. I need you. I need you to explain to the mean people why I know things, Mommy. How I know the shortcut from Parnus to old earth, like how you just know, Mommy. Like the dice game, Mommy!”, he yells the last part then disappears abruptly as the recording ends.

Yes, I do remember the two of us making a game of predicting the throw of the dice, and Zehmy never guessing wrong on a single throw. Now I understand he wasn’t guessing.

“Our son needs us, and Parnus needs YOU. My plans for us haven’t changed”. Dusan closes the space between us in two long strides and clasps my face between his hands this time, forcing me to look at him. “Creating a society on Parnus is our destiny”, he declares as if he’s willing it into my being, his eyes projecting a surprising desire. We’d been intimate before he left for Parnus, but not sexually. Perhaps our partnership has more potential than it did almost two years ago.

“What did Zehmy mean by ‘a shortcut’ and what is your timeline”?

Beaming now, “Tonight is Aphelion”, is his chipper reply, referring to when old earth is farthest from the sun and, by relation, deadly solar flares and storms. “And Zehmy asked me if I was taking the shortcut in the Galactic Center, Sco. I’ve communicated back to Parnus that he is correct. Returning on the same energetic stream puts us with our son on Parnus in 32 or 33 old earth days”.

“If you halt Haff’s culling, there’s no need for me to say ‘good bye’. Can we leave from here? Oh, wait! I forgot there’s one thing I want to take with me-my great-grandma’s teapot”.

Dusan strolls over to his gear and removes a box with wild red and pink vining roses. “I’m happy this is all you needed’. What he means is easily understood. “I can RC the capsules to the shoreline below. Shouldn’t take more than a couple hours to prepare for launch”.

Trust is built over time, I tell myself. I ask Dusan if he can speak loudly when he suspends Haff’s culling so I can hear him just inside the cave’s entrance, and am not surprised when he tells my former security force that Haff is now Culler. Preeky will make a good partner. Honestly, I think Haff may be relieved to be rid of my otherness. Forgiving him frees me to leave Eudaimonia.

“Thank you for coming to get me”, I tell Dusan. Placing my hands on his cheeks, eyes communicating a depth of feeling mere words can’t relay, gratitude takes hold. I’ll never again take the future for granted.

Motherhood

Messy love

evokes a hunt

not for my best

for my redemptive better

redefined by innocent eyes

trusting me despite my wear

an evolutionary courage required

by a miracle

cloaked in countless wishes

covered in infinite prayers

adored beyond comprehension

The Detroit Institute of Arts

A Taste

DIA’s Facade- a nod to mythos and Rodin’s The Thinker as intro energy

Cotopaxi (volcano in Ecuador), Oil 1862, by Frederic Church is flanked by The Lost Pleiad, 1888 & The Blind Girl from Pompei by Randolph Rogers. Intricate details invite staring. The DIA tiled foyer is grand with interesting symbology.
Vase, about 1900, by Lajos Mack & Love Flight of a Pink Candy Heart, 1930 Oil on Canvas by Florine Stettheimer

The Freed Man, Bronze 1863, John Quincy Ward

Girl Reading, 1938 and Woman in Armchair, 1925 both by Pablo Picasso

Ganesha (copper alloy, 1600’s), Shiva (granite, late 900’s), and Vishnu (sandstone, 900’s) All by Unknown Artists

The Moods of Time: Evening, Bronze 1938, Paul Manship

Self-Portrait 1967, Andy Warhol

Family Album (Blood Objects) Exhibit F: Shirt, bronze patina 1993, Yoko Ono

Confession- I do not have artist info for the last 2 pieces, but thought they were too interesting not to share, the first a boy’s room and expose about how the things we own reflect who we are, the other a whimsical bronze statue.

I highly encourage you to visit The Detroit Institute of Arts and experience their impressive collection for yourself.

I Am Human

Living Disabled in an Ableist Culture

You wouldn’t know to look at me that I am disabled. It was a long, rough, and savings-sucking fight to keep working. I remember my primary doctor at the time telling me, “People get uncomfortable around those in visible pain, so they want to distance themselves”, an explanation for how differently I was treated by colleagues once I couldn’t hide my RA. In my autoimmune support groups, I know this hiding of illness is common, as if we aren’t human beings. The rejection of self is a recipe for depression and worsening physical health. Even college students, who may be afforded accommodations, often hide their disability, or do not accept it as part of their identity. We teach children that disability is something to be overcome. The Arthritis Foundation puts non-average patients who’ve done something impressive, on the covers of their monthly publications. They all say the same-“Don’t give up! Push through! Find a stellar specialist and eat fresh and healthy”, not bad advice, but not acknowledging any fluctuations in disease activity that make them unable to perform. Instead, a low-to-no-symptom snapshot in time of a world-class millionaire golfer is meant to inspire the more than 50 million patients they serve. I translated it as ,”you just aren’t doing everything you can”, although for new patients they provide some common-sense advice and a sense of belonging.

Recently, I read on a Crip Theory thread, “I’m not sure I’m disabled enough to claim that term”. I admit, I’m not comfortable with the term, either, and grew up averting my eyes. This is the ableism inherent in our very genes, that unconsciously tells us we must suffer greatly, and with witnesses, in order to earn flexibility and acceptance. Crip theory applies to queerness, along with disability, the compulsory able-bodiedness an agent of capitalism sharing common features of compulsory heterosexuality. Some scholars are working with Crip theory to create spaces that support the success and wellness of different mind/body types. It isn’t hard to imagine an expansion of this concept, however practical considerations may not always allow for authorities to provide what we need.

Disabled people, and advocates, promote Crip world-making by dismantling beliefs and assumptions about our authenticity and grit, our talents and worthiness. It’s hard to take care of oneself when you feel unsupported, so I suggest starting by giving yourself a bit of flexibility first, like a rotisserie chicken or prepared salad shortcuts , or a week for writing a blog post. Giving myself what I need in terms of rest, meditative time, efforts to find good doctors and bodywork practitioners, fresh meals and gentle exercise, and slack on weeding the garden, it all signals my inner self that I am worth it. Learning to accept oneself after disability is a process. Therapy with the right person may help, as can meditation and energy healing, to release repeatedly the ableist messages racing through our minds every day; they’re just trying to figure out how to get us back in the tribe. That’s not our tribe, anymore. My tribe now is a motley mix of other warriors and spiritual folks, the two overlapping in a predictable way, my own little “crip world”.

We create these expansive spaces by throwing off normative definitions of what we are capable of creating, and showing up as ourselves in all our complexity, as uncomfortable as that sometimes is. One of my absolute best tools is a daily morning meditation practice, my touchstone before I cast off from shore daily in a sea of ableism that I (mostly) let float by me.

Eudaimonia- Part 4

Bonds

Even after caking mud over my protective clothing, I felt on the precipice of overheating. I hid among the bamboo on the outskirts of our residential community while I tried to calm a galloping fear threatening to unhinge me. Haff hasn’t responded to any of my telepathic attempts, which makes me ambivalent about following through with our emergency plan. Did Dusan tell him? Or, worse yet, kill him?

Dusan Soroka’s family is as powerfully positioned in the Laws sector as mine is in the Sciences sector of Eudaimonia, and I presume, on Parnus. Our parents pledged our betrothal for obvious reasons, however no one consulted us. My parents had stood silently and typically distracted in their laboratory when I railed at them about using all of my future for their “New Earth”.

“You will do what is required of you, Scotia. But, right now isn’t the time for you to worry about your future partner. You’re still a girl with studies and…”, my father looked at me sternly, “skills to master.” At that time, he was bullying me about my refusal to perform dissections on feral cats and mice. We had so few animals left, but he was confident in his own judgement, as always. The betrothal, to a Soroka no less, was mere frosting on their New Earth cake.

A part of me still clings to their illusory parental love. Remembering the sheer silken shift I wore, my feet bare with gold rings on my toes, gossamer strands of my blonde hair sticking to Dusan’s velvet shirt, I let my mind drift. Different courses of study meant we barely knew one another. At thirteen I had to bend my neck all the way back to look up at him, his eyes black pools searching mine for something I didn’t understand. We stood on an elevated black platform which disappeared in the night, but for massive torch pits on either side and behind us, swaying flames cast us in blue light and flickering shadows. I wanted to reassure him as his hands enveloped mine and we recited the rites of promise in front of most of the elite populace of Eudaimonia, rows of long white benches full and stretching far into the darkness. When his mother, who oversaw the legally-binding ceremony, asked him if he wanted to say anything on this momentous occasion, Dusan pulled me in front of him and crossed his long black arms over me. I felt my head against his breastbone, and forced the corners of my mouth up while he held me tightly against him, my arms captured.

After a long moment of quiet, he announced, “It is Soroka’s honor to share our melanin with the vulnerable, and old earth, Braun family line”. The silence took on an ominous quality I sensed, but didn’t comprehend. No one spoke of the Braun’s genetic inability to endure peak daylight hours even with solar protection. We are the reason the betrothal ceremony took place at night under a new/dark moon. My parent’s closest friends looked appropriately aghast, while others behind them whispered behind cupped hands, but what he said next made them cheer as though they’d won something.

“I promise you today, Scotia and I will produce a minimum of twenty offspring on New Earth, genetically strong with superior intelligence”, his voice rose with the crowd’s applause, “to help us create our dream world on Parnus!”. I barely registered what he promised, possessing only a sketchy understanding of Dr. DeWoer’s embryo lab and nursery. My studies focused on genetics and culling DNA. The next day my mother began administering weekly estrogen shots. My menses began three months later.

By the time of our Recommitment Ceremony when we were both fifteen, I’d developed into a young woman, my hips widening and breasts budding, this time under an indigo shift that brushes my knees. Judging from Dusan’s towering frame, clad only in loose wide-legged shorts to his knees, I assumed he’d been given growth hormones. He bent down slightly to look me in the eyes, all his boyish apprehension gone, his own dark pools hypnotizing me as I heard, “It’s good to see you again, Scotia“, without his lips moving. Judging from mother’s lecture later that night, my face must’ve registered my surprise. Showing emotion in public equated to a weak character, according to my parent’s increasingly repressive instruction. My frustrated screams shocked her silent, but smashing an empty teacup against the hearth made my mother’s lips turn up at the corners slightly in satisfaction. Hormone shots she administered daily now for over a month made me rage one moment and sob the next, while my breasts could barely stand the touch of even the softest bamboo shift. I felt both nauseous and ravenous and found it difficult to focus, all side-effects she criticized and used to disempower me. She told me daily how disappointing I was in dozens of different ways, her disdain obvious to everyone.

The next day my eggs were harvested by Dr. DeWoer, Haff’s father, with my best friend’s mother, Comair, administering anesthesia and strapping my ankles to stirrups. In my hazy memory, a shadowy figure stands bedside by my head, a hand smoothing back my hair and whispering to breathe deeply into the mask covering my nose and mouth. A bright light at the end of the bed outlines Dr. DeWoer with a surgical cap over his fluffy copper afro. I can still feel fingers firmly stretching my labia apart, when I think of that day, ice-cold liquid squirting deeply into my feminine cavity. They said I wouldn’t feel anything; I’d be asleep. But, I’m not. It’s as though a searing hot knife enters me and I scream as a man once so kind to me says, “hormones have dried her out, give me more juice” and pushes a slippery rounded ultrasound wand through my hymen and upward further, then further toward my ovaries. “Hold her, Damn it!” Thankfully, I fell asleep with another type of sedative right as he secured the wand and before he inserted the collection needle at the top of my vagina. My mother told me Dr. DeWoer punctured and drained follicular fluid from my ovaries, thereby harvesting mature eggs. The procedure itself was done with precision and utmost care for the eggs.

Memories threaten to overwhelm me as I start to think of the second harvest two years later, the one when Dusan was present, and made certain the doctor did not touch me until I was asleep. When I awoke, he held my hand, and was staring at me. I rub habitually at the red S tatooed on my neck under my right ear lobe. I am not that child-woman any longer, I breathe the words in and exhale slowly to erase my mind’s screenplay. Be here, Scotia.

While spring tide during the full moon is still a week away, I feel like I have no choice but to hope high tide is enough for me to land in close proximity to the ledge in front of the cave entrances. In danger of becoming frozen in my imaginings, I force my body to move forward in spite of my emotional state, the only sane option. Dusan swore I would regret birthing Haff’s son, something elite citizens had not chosen to do in almost a century. Immensely hurt, he took custody of our son, Zehmy, as well as my eggs awaiting fertilization, as recompense. We discussed simply overlooking my misdeed with Haff and claiming both Zehmy and me, but Diana Soroka wouldn’t allow it. I think his mother was rather glad he broke the betrothal contract, despite her son’s unhappiness. My parents and Haff’s were more than a little afraid of the massive Soroka clan, descendants of a formidably powerful monarchy before the African continent became uninhabitable, just as my ancestor’s home in the Americas did. Our families formed Eudaimonia together almost a century ago, along with hundreds of other influential families.

Securing the straps of my S bag around my shoulders, I eye my goal one last time before wading into the water with my mini longboard. Hoisting myself on top of it, I paddle out more than twenty meters before turning around, gifting myself a few meters to gather my courage. Usually, Haff is here in the water with me, just as he was the very first time I’d landed on the ledge in front of the cliff face’s opening. Taking a deep breath, I caught a strong wave with my board and hurtled upward, caught in the flow of water as it swelled, and then dwindled too far from the cliff. Adjusting my trajectory much closer, I paddle out again before my brain calculates the risk, and catch a truly impressive wave. My breath is caught in my chest as it smashes against the craggy cliff with me and the board, the latter breaking in half and falling into the sea. I didn’t dare secure the board to me, but regret its loss, nonetheless. Not near the cave’s ledge, but approximately three meters below it I clung to irregular quartz veins with my hands in matching pinches while the balls of my feet and bent toes cling to a shale outcropping barely wide enough to accommodate them. Gasping, I feel more stinging cuts than I’d anticipated, blood running into my mouth from one or more on my head, but it doesn’t matter because finding edges and pockets is my only concern. In my experience, when I stopped, when I doubted or hesitated, I got injured. Swinging my body to the left I reached upward for an edge, my arm falling until two fingers find a shallow hole. It will have to be enough. As I swing my body again, pebbles break away under my feet until I’m standing on my toes and laying my body as flat as I can against the cliff.

“Grab the rope, Scotia”, a deep familiar voice commands from above.

My toes are slipping, my body sliding on the rock face as a thick knotted rope dangles immediately to my right. Switching direction, I mindlessly grab it with both hands just as my toe ledge crumbles. Twisting the rope around one arm I grab with my left and and use my feet to walk up onto the ledge in front of our summer caves, noting the almost completely flat surface under my feet until the last meter. Sheer wet shale too slippery for palming successfully, although I would’ve tried.

As it is, Dusan is before me with a small grin and sparkling eyes as if he finds me comical. Me, an unmelanated Braun who’d thrown away her chance to be a part of his esteemed empire. “You!”, I yell at him, “How could you, Dusan? Where is my son”? Blood is running into my eye as I approach him, but I care not a single speck for what I must look like, such concerns having left the planet with Zehmy and Dusan.

He’d somehow grown more attractive, his tall muscular frame powerfully evident under a grey solar-protection skinsuit, calculating almond-shaped eyes set in an ebony face with sharp cheeks and a wide Nubian nose, hair in braids from his crown to the nape of his neck, secured with tiny silver clamps stamped with an “S”. Why is he here?

Dusan bent to the ground and opened his own S bag, removing a synthetic bladder and what looked like cotton bandages and adhesive tape. “Sit, and I’ll tell you about Zehmy”, he nods to the ground beside him and I readily comply, grimacing as I lower myself. As always, I feel at a distinct disadvantage in Dusan’s company, even though he probably saved my life with that rope. “I thought we were past you fearing me”, he wet a cloth and held it to my cheek, brought it away pink and rinsed it with more water from his bladder then said, “close your eyes” before squeezing it over my head. Cool streams run down my arms and chest. Raising one arm and wiping the blood and dirt off it, Dusan mutters, “sorry” every time I gasp, then rinses the cloth and gently cleans my wounds limb by limb.

“Why did you leave me, Dusan? You swore”, I choke on the last word.

He stopped and looked me in my eyes. “I would never leave you. We were well past the moon by the time I surfaced from a sedative Mother put in my shake after we boarded. It still upsets me. I’m here to get you now, Scotia. You’re needed on Parnus. Zehmy and I need you. The new earth needs you”.

I study him as he folds a cotton gauze square and tapes it in place with three loops around my forearm. “What about Haff”?

“Yeah, he told me about your handfasting. I told Haff I appreciate him keeping you safe. Honestly, I wouldn’t have been surprised if citizens had killed you by now, but I told Zehmy I’d try. He’s growing more intelligent by the day, already solving algebraic equations, and Scotia… he’s gifted in other ways. Come on, let’s get in the cave before you get burnt”. Dusan bends down and picks me off my feet before I can respond, then marches into a much cooler interior before setting me on the ground again.

While he gets our packs, I ponder what he said so far and realize his invitation does not include Haff.