astrology | Crone Story Astro

Poison Arrows & A Taste for Vengeance

Nessus in the Pisces/Virgo Eclipse Cycle

How the universe regulates astrophysics can be found in cycles. Tracking the nodes of the moon is not only useful for astrologers and astronomers, but the 18.6 year eclipse cycle is also used to predict tidal patterns and coastal flooding by oceanographers and coast gurads around the world.

Astrological understanding of Solar and Lunar eclipses begins with knowldege of the North and South nodes of the Moon’s cycle transiting two of the twelve zodiac signs for a year and a half, with an overlap rather than a linear progression. Pisces & Virgo’s last eclipse cycle began shortly after Facebook became available to all users (2006) and ushered in a time of global economics with the birth of the European Union and the North American Free Trade Agreement.

Our strength when the North Node is in Pisces lies with logical Mercurial Virgo and the S. Node of the past, actual information balancing deep spiritual and psycholigcal unknowns.

The N. Node in Pisces whispers, “can you imagine if” and begs us to suspend our intellect in favor of trying new ways based on what we need and want rather than what we think. This is chaos at heaven’s gate, suspension of our quest for empirical evidence for that of unseen energy. Most can agree truth is not easy to swallow while swimming in a sea of information, but this is where unseen principles like archetypal psychology assists us with pattern recognition and benefits of disruption and redirection.

In addition to intensely strong change signatures of Jupiter, Neptune, and Mercury due to their positions, there is an element of hugely karmic energy in this eclipse cycle.

Nessus, a centaur minor planet discovered in 1993 between Saturn and Pluto, is riding with the N. Node in Pisces, and flavoring this cycle with the excessive appetites of centaurs in mythology. It isn’t all fun and centaur games in laid back Pisces, though. Unifying potentials tug at our hearts and the collective may witness harsh consequences for abuse of power. Sowing poison may be rampant, but few poisoners escape their own intentions. Sometimes the most positive contribution in an unhealthy situation is nothing. “I contribute nothing to (_fill in the blank_)”, is a powerful self-reminder.

In Greek mythology, Nessus becomes a ferryman carrying passengers back and forth across the river Evenus on his back; a third chance for the lusty Centaur who had escaped paying for his unapologetically immoral behavior countless times. On this day, Nessus told Princess Deianara, gorgeous, yet insecure wife of Hercules, he would be more than happy to offer her a ride across a roaring river bulging with recent rains to the road on the far side. “Just across the river and no further,” ordered Hercules without even a glance in Nessus’s direction. He may have recognized the centaur if he paid him even the slightest attention. But, he was preoccupied looking back the way they had come as the couple ran from the wrath of his father-in-law, King Oeneus, due to Hercules’s inadvertent killing of his favorite cup bearer. Thoroughly disgusted with her husband, Deianara accepted the centaur’s offer. Across the river, Hercules heard his beloved’s shrieks as Nessus ran his hands up her gown and over her legs and tried to carry her away from her husband. Pulling an arrow dipped in a hydra’s poisonous blood from his quiver, an enraged Hercules shot Nessus in the chest before the centaur made it to the tree line with his unwilling rider. As he laid writhing from the poison, Nessus begged Deianara’s forgiveness through sobs. Even in his weakened state he charmed her with his excuses. Surely, she knew he had lost his mind due to his nature as half beast coupled with her irresistible allure. It really was not his fault she had tempted him by riding astride as he had advised for the safest passage. Blood rushing to her cheeks at his innuendo, Deianara was caught off guard by his inappropriate speech.

As a token of apology to the princess, the cunning centaur collected a few drops of his hydra-tainted blood in a tiny vial and gifted it to Deianara. A love potion made from his centaur blood was the least he could do to make amends. Potently effective, he told Hercules’s wife to save it in case her lover’s affection was ever captured by another, more youthful love interest in the future. Nessus promised if she used the contents of the vial Hercules would never look at another. While Deianara doubted Hercules would ever fall out of love with her, she still secreted the vial away in her purse. Nessus died happy, confident of his manipulation and eventual revenge on them both.

As Nessus predicted, eventually Hercules grew restless and dreamed of his love for the fair Iole. Her grandfather King Eurytus had reneged on granting Hercules her hand in marriage as a prize for winning an archery contest before he married Deianara because Hercules was cursed by Demeter and could be driven mad by her at any time. Years later, it bothered Hercules when he thought about how he, the most heralded hero in the entire universe, his strength equal to his father Zeus, was wronged by a mere mortal king. Vengeance was sweet when Hercules killed the king and his sons and took Iole as a slave after sacking the city. They would all know the price for denying him the respect her deserved.

From the balcony, Princess Deianara saw Hercules and his new richly dressed slave as they came through the estate gates. Deianara’s heart clenched at the young woman’s fresh beauty while the smug look on her husband’s face filled her with jealousy. Carefully, she laid out a new dark shirt for her beloved which perfectly hid droplets of Nessus’s love charm.

Within seconds of dressing Hercules fell to the ground screaming in torment from the hydra’s poison he himself had collected and used against his foes. The pain was unbearable and unrelenting, but he yelled out that it was his wife who gave him the poisonous shirt. Finally, he built his own funeral pyre from nearby trees, climbed onto it while still writhing in agony and begged for someone, anyone, to be friend enough to light it and end his life.

Deianara was heartbroken her jealousy had been used to kill the Hero Hercules and she knew she would be punished severely by the Gods. Deianara rushed into their home and stabbed herself to death. In the Greek language her name stands for “husband destroyer.”

In astronomy Nessus has an unpredictable orbit, making its future movements unknown, much like micro aggressions that fester if not forgotten. In archetypical psychology some or all of the characters are within our psyche. Do you recognize:

The Arrogant Hero displaying superiority and entitlement to the point of violence and murder.
The Wild Unbridled Horse- a part of the human psyche which celebrates freedom from man-made rules and cannot be tamed.
The Villain is morally corrupt and brings all the nasty emotions which drive violence like lust, jealousy, and spite.
The Jealous Wife who tries to manipulate and control her spouse.

A modern Nessus narrative may show up as a friend who leaves you alone to pick up food with an extremely attractive stranger who you mentioned was your type when you arrived at a party together. Hercules’s traits may be seen in a random person who assumes you want to dance when they grab your arm and spin you in a circle while announcing it will be a night to remember now that you are with him. Deianara may appear as you telling the overly enthusiastic dance partner that you have a friend who is perfect for them then introducing the two as soon as she returns. Meanwhile, your friend does not have the chance to tell you that she talked you up to the person you thought was extremely attractive.

We all have shadows/behaviors born from unmet needs or victimization, but it is the hiding of our human weaknesses that destroys relationships. As we travel with Nessus conjunct the North Node of fate over an unpredictable period, being aware of our desires and what we need to feel fully free keeps us safe from poisoning, or manipulation and misunderstandings. Revenge carries an energy in the Nessus mythos that doubles back and self-destructs.

Crone Story Astrology

Posted on June 12 by K.S. Schultz

“Know thyself” – inscription over the temple door at Delphi

Who knew? Perhaps it is a YOD configuration between Pluto, Neptune, and my creative Sun that informed this version of “me” as a Hellenistic Astrologer, lifelong Hobby Writer, and researcher humbly offering astrology chart readings. My intention is helping clients know, accept, heal, and love yourself enough to move forward consciously on your soul’s journey. There are clear reinventions when I look back on my life, this one starting 17 years ago with a health crisis and painful ego losses. The past 5 years have brought me to this rebirth as an imperfectly healed & whole person who tremendously enjoys the patterns and cycles of astrology as a divinatory science.

My approach is based on ancient techniques revolving (literally) around earth’s seasonal energy, as well as planetary phases in relation to the Sun. Understanding personal themes and life cycles, we can navigate the seas of fate with conscious choices and resilience.

Zodiac Wheel @ Saks/Dior Holiday Light Show, 2023

**Crone Story’s Astrology readings are not a substitute for professional health or legal advice

Full Moon Journeying in Capricorn

Posted on July 19, 2024 by K.S. Schultz

The road from 1° to 29°

On the summer solstice, we had our first Full Moon in Capricorn at 1° shortly after 9p EST, while Neptune sat at an illusory 29° of Pisces opposing Black Moon Lilith on eagle-eyed 29° Virgo, creating a dynamic Grand Cross by degree, but not involving the eclipse energies of Libra and Aries. Leadership is conflict-ridden and cannot move.

Interestingly, the Sabian symbol for 1° of Capricorn is a Tribal Chief and asks how does a man use the power entrusted to him by his people. For this reason, and due to a correlation with Tropical Astrology seasonal theory, I reference Native Lakota definitions of the Four Directions for this Grand Cross:

East, where the Sun rises, the beginning of understanding, Light lets us see reality, Wisdom – Capricorn Full Moon in this chart
West, where the Sun sets, rivers, lakes and Essential water, the Great Thunderbird lives in the West & brings storms – Cancer Sun in this chart
South, where the Sun is at its highest and draws Life from the earth, warm & pleasant winds – Virgo Lilith in this chart
North, where the Sun is at its lowest and Cold harsh winds cleanse the earth, resilience – Pisces Neptune in this chart

No one can deny the Cardinal tensions of the past month as marginalized voices strain to be recognized (Lilith), feelings amplify and direct us, and the wealthiest, most powerful among us, jockey for position (Sun in Cancer). This is have/have not oppositional, King-of-the-Hill competition flavored by the recent Jupiter/Uranus conjunction.

During this time of Uranian technology the collective searches for firm footing on a shifting sea floor (Saturn in Pisces), but Neptune and Lilith opposing one another creates snapshot productions of guilt, tragedy and luxurious desires. Dopamine dumping as a result of scrolling short-form content has resulted in a universal addiction while Neptune has been in Pisces, just as intended.

Stone Henge was temporarily defaced by Eco activists the day prior to the summer solstice using bright orange powder paint. Pretty sure I witnessed a glimmer of Druidic sacrificial energy, likely due to Pluto in Aquarius. Humans normally aligned on ecology became outraged at the action, the attachment to material overtaking concern for earth. Connections in our lives may have been fractured during this first full moon or we may have realized a diminishing value in others. Isolation and even depression are often the signatures of a Capricorn Moon in fall. The flow between Cancer and Capricorn is not easy-going despite both being feminine. They still initiate change as Cardinal signs, one representing night and the other the toil and ambition of day.

Midway between our Capricorn Full Moons a New Moon in Cancer on July 5 brought forward ancestral and familial issues relating to “home” as the U.S. celebrated its’ independence and Hurricane Beryl landed on the Yucatan Peninsula. Water elemental energy stirs emotions and our sense of belonging may have been highlighted. New intentions regarding our family relationships, forgiveness and strengthening our home security are themes during the season of the crab who carries their home with them. In the creation chart of the world, a.k.a. the Thema Mundi, Cancer sits at the helm on the Ascendant and was termed by ancient philosophers as the “doorway to life”. Cancer symbolizes the waters of birth as well as a cycle of rise and fall. Change brings stress, but we find our seas legs the less we struggle against it.

As one of the ruling energies, Saturn in watery Pisces can help our seasickness. By grounding in the mundane tasks and responsibilities we may not relish, we become present and able to create future security. It is ok if we only feel or dream it with an abundance of watery emotion as our backdrop. As conflicts increase, the Wheel is being reconstructed even as it is being destroyed at a faster than usual pace. This is a continuing saga from the 2020 Great Conjunction of Jupiter and Saturn at 0° Aquarius, a New Air period of human advancement and revolutionary idealism has begun.

Our 2nd Full Moon in Capricorn is at 29° on July 21, 2024. The Sabian symbol is a woman reading tea leaves, which Dane Rudyhar interprets as recognizing omens and signs in everything that occurs. The “as above so below” theory is represented- what Rudyhar describes as “true clairvoyance”. There is a connectivity between all things, a universal truth felt more fully in the sign the ancients referred to as the “gateway of the Gods”. The final degree is especially Saturnian as Capricorn feels a responsibility to build the ideal in the physical world, to bring heaven to earth.

Idealistic Souls with Suns located in the latter degrees of Capricorn

Dolly Parton’s Sun is at 29°
Edgar Allen Poe’s Sun is at 28°
Jim Carrey’s Sun is at 26°
Martin Luther King’s Sun is at 25°

Applying to a conjunction with Pluto at 0° Aquarius, the Moon puts a spotlight on the shadow side of humanitarian idealism and technological advances. The French Revolution encapsulates Aquarian zeal becoming extra, the oppressed becoming oppressors. Most of us are innocent bystanders during this full moon, just as we all carry the energy of Capricorn and Cancer in our zodiacal chart. Not adding to conflict can avert Pluto’s energy, but this may be difficult with an exact square between Uranus the change-maker and Mercury in dramatic Leo. Squares in astrology carry the energy of Mars, who is at a 0° of Gemini, so there may be debating among friends. In my opinion this is the hardest part of new cycles, but Venus in Leo is higher-heart energy that comes from the Divine Feminine. Manifesting this in our 3D world is possible with steady effort that includes emotional care and regulation. We are tasked with being authentic and present in reality. Grounding this intensity in productivity and mindful physical movement such as QiGong or Donna Eden’s energy exercises is favorable, while heartfelt conversations can wait a few days. As the Moon wanes, so do emotions. Capricorn rules the bones, knees and lower back. Cardinal signs, Scorpio, and Aquarius should be mindful of over overdoing, always a danger for everyone during any full moon along with overestimating ability.

The Sabian symbol for 0° Aquarius is an adobe mission and may be interpreted as the enduring product of spiritual vision. Again, we are met with a concept of ideals being made manifest, legacies which survive past the physical lives of the builders.

My ideal vision includes a useful garden and my grandson’s success, so I am pouring effort into those ideals. My dream of an astrology practice is more possible with the Ancient Astrology course I’m currently finishing. Writing astrology pieces like this is more aligned with my ideals than creating short-form content, is one of my full moon realizations with Capricorn in my 1st house of identity.

How are you building your ideal?

Project Hardcopy

Posted on June 2, 2024 by K.S. Schultz

A Hybrid of Roots & Wings

From the technology lens, the speed of societal change is somewhat dizzying, familiarity becoming rare without a real effort to capture it. Effort itself is a bit outdated, but like a freshly-prepared meal compared to fast food, it’s the first ingredient for deliciousness and enjoyment. Slow cooking is one of those hands-off-the-screen activities that help my nervous system decompress while my overactive mind chops and simmers new ideas.

Progress is frequently viewed as a road constructed in uncharted territory, a pursuit of novel scientific solutions. Only recently, I’ve wondered, “what would we do without satellites and global internet” and “I hope there’s a backup plan”. As NASA gathers research on solar storms and flares, a part of me is anxious about Icarus-like tech giants.

Don’t worry- This isn’t a tech doomsday imagining, nor will I bore you with reminiscences of my dog-eared books, or tea stains and greasy prints on thousands of notebook pages. I simply wonder if some media not only feels secure as a hard copy in my possession, but also strikes something in my genetic memory, a chord of imaginings stretching and supporting me when I’m blocked or feel low. I can delete it from everywhere else and have a single vulnerable hard copy (shiver). I’m unsure if it’s riskier than a sudden outage or an unreliable auto-save feature.

Yesterday my 7-year-old grandson excitedly told me, “We were attacked!”, when I picked him up from school, then went on to reassure me, “but we don’t have to worry because they are far away in Russia or another country”. At least they aren’t sheltering under their desks, I told myself as I steered our conversation to pencils, paper worksheets, and white boards. He went on to tell me it wasn’t a big deal because “we don’t have any schoolwork left, just fun stuff”. Fortunately, an all-day walking field trip in their town including history lessons and ice cream was already scheduled for his class the next day. Real-time learning activities minimized the hacker’s damage and I hope gave administrators ideas for mitigating impacts of future digital outages.

I’m not suggesting we roll back tech and ai advances that continue to prove efficient, but I wonder if today’s news regarding militarized Russian satellites gives us one more reason to prepare for internet outages. The loss of the library at Alexandria comes to mind when I think of the intellectual property stored in the cloud. The decades upon decades of dystopic stories have trained my brain, I know, yet cannot help but follow the plot to old-timey solutions that somewhat save our sanity, if not our humanity.

Vinyl has made a resurgence for the same reason I am suggesting hard copies of stories and vital information, not as a sole source, but as an artistic product in multiple formats for security’s sake and for our mental health. Being a creative is challenging enough without worrying about losing work.

In the midst of a tech era, I’ve been studying Ptolemy, Manilius, & Vettius Valens, learning the history and theory of ancient astrology. A side-effect of studying Greek philosophy is sharpening observations of the world around me, especially noticing patterns of rise and fall. As we rise, we typically take some of the past with us, the known blending with unknowns. Perhaps, by reading real-life books, printing a few pages at the library and writing in notebooks we can find footing in a world increasingly constructed of air.

These are the thoughts and feelings informing my hybrid-model astrology practice in June, 2024. When the aliens arrive, I realize I may need to adapt, but stories will always be secure inside an exercised and flexible mind.

Exiles

Posted on January 2, 2024 by K.S. Schultz

voices decanted from a forgotten vessel

stirred in my bowl of belly senses

with care and precision by the manager

oblivious to a warrior child impatiently waiting

unspeakables falling out of her pocket

as she drums into creation

a newborn dragon nestled in ash

one eye open and searching

heaven’s detours for a

never-imagined journey

along illuminated slopes

slippery with meteoric insight

ecliptic signposts alchemized in timelessness

newborn galaxies explosions of awareness

unmarred unwounded unknown

slow cautions Saturn

feel and flow

sky as sea

reflecting black iris depths

from the edge of her abyss

a living volcano driving upward

lava roiling in her heart

cooled by eternal divine waves

she claims invisible Mars

her pockets inside out empty

with a nod she removes her helmet

and sheaths a broken sword

“I am the Sun!”

a sea of tears whispers within

I am the stars

Mars unfurls her baby wings

Pluto’s 1st House Renovation

Posted on March 15, 2023 by K.S. Schultz

A Tale of Losses and Esoteric Gains

**The nature of Pluto’s transits is unique to a Soul’s natal chart. No single aspect defines or predicts which choices we make, nor the the impact of others with millions of their own choices.** This transit has become easier as I expanded my spiritual practice with rituals and learned astrology. If you read something here that doesn’t sit well, I suggest giving it time to marinate.

As the planet of transformation begins it’s transit into Aquarius on March 25, Pluto asks me to reflect on it’s time in my first house and as a Crone-share what I’ve learned.

Capricorn is a feminine elder energy of traditions, religion, discipline, government, authorities, military, and career, ruled by serious Saturn. When Pluto, named after a Roman god of death and the underworld, began transforming all things Capricorn in 2008 I recall collective transformative cultural and political shifts including the deaths of icons:

Stock market crash/Great Recession began with bank fails
Michael Phelps won eight gold medals.
Heath Ledger’s death from an overdose of sleeping pills while filming the role of The Joker in The Dark Knight (2008)
Twilight series launch by Stephanie Myer, and in the United States
The first African-American President, Barack Obama, was elected and changed the face of politics forever.
Miley Cyrus announced Hannah Montana grew up when she wore a backless gown and sent protective Moms into a tailspin.
Britney Spears placed in a conservatorship that lasted until November, 2021
Comedian Bernie Mac’s death from Sarcoidosis

On the surface, Pluto’s influence may appear as fate, but I would have jigged where I jagged a few times if only I knew then what I know now. Revealing these personal truths is not about victimhood or blame for me. Chiron at the zero Aries Point indicates my “unhealable wound” is showing who I really am, underneath the personas I create for acceptance. Like many souls, my complex history didn’t grant me tools of self-confidence, self-worth and emotional regulation. In 2008, I still looked to the world to tell me what kind of day I was going to have.

Pluto entered Capricorn at 0° in January, 2008 in a wide conjunction with my Moon at 8°, and my Ascendant (represents physical body and public rep) at 14° Capricorn. A planet’s expression in a sign is most pure at zero degrees of any sign, as evidenced by Pluto’s dramatic influence during 2008 and 2009. My natal Pluto resides in the 9th House of higher learning and spiritual studies in the sign of Virgo, which lent me strength throughout the destruction of my identity.

I gave a successful talk at a National Conference and became a resource for others in my profession.
I was given a big raise in pay.
My daughter, an only child, graduated college and got engaged.
I was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis/disease from a biopsy of a nodule. I began an anti-malarial medication for it.
My daughter’s first job began at The U.S. Dept. of Defense and she moved six hours away.
I worked from home occasionally if my RA flared, with my Director’s, but not my supervisor’s knowledge.
I also started working on weekends in order to keep up with an increasing workload.
I often felt like 2 people.
My Director gave me gifts, flowers, and took to me to lovely lunches for my above-and-beyond efforts, while the organization I worked for became unsupportive and threatening.
Work became my #1 priority as I chased unattainable approval.

In the 1st house, Pluto slowly chipped away at my identity by both giving and taking away power and wealth starting with foundational aspects such as being a Mother of an adult student, and being a respected coordinator in medical education. My ego was methodically dismantled from 2008 to 2015. I knew what made me feel good about myself and fought losing any of it, especially after my daughter became fully independent.

In 2009 Pluto started his long game, moving from 1° to 3° Capricorn. In the collective & my career, we can see Pluto’s secretive influence, as well as big ambition and self-destruction:

President Obama was sworn into office as the 44th President of the United States and a ruthless campaign began in Congress and among U.S. business leaders to disempower him.
Michael Jackson, The King of Pop, died from an overdose of propofol, a surgical anesthetic given by his personal physician because he couldn’t sleep while creating This Is It, a show he considered his masterpiece.
Avatar was released.
I gave another successful presentation at a national conference of residency program directors & coordinators, and was elected to a board position by the Radiology National Coordinator’s Association.
I continued to hide my disease from my supervisor and HR, having reason to fear for my job and most importantly-insurance. I witnessed two other coordinators lose their jobs after gaining a national reputation in their respective specialties, and one of them warned me about taking the board position. I accepted it, anyway.
I became friends with an older gentleman who volunteered for me; a cerebral, yet light-hearted, friendship that often took me out of my comfort zone, in a way that changed how I view friendships, food, and gratitude.
I took and passed a certification exam which qualified me as an expert in my field, one of only twelve in a field of over 200.

Archetypically, Pluto is Lord of the Underworld and our worst fear-Death

Nothing transforms us more powerfully than death. In my immediate world these loved ones left, each unexpectedly and dramatic:

Grandma, Flossie Blocher, 2009
Dad, Greg Blocher, 2010
Son of friend who committed suicide in 2007 did the same, 2012
Dear Friend, David Garvey, 2013
Husband’s old friend, a teen counselor, is murdered, 2013
Furry Friend of 20 yrs, Jack, 2014
Father-in-law, Ronald Schultz, 2015
Other Father-in-law, Dick, 2017
Another much-loved cat Kiki in 2021

My husband and I lost childhood friends, and I lost cousins, in unexpected & tragic ways, death dancing in our periphery, each loss hurting and changing people we love. Each refining what I value most.

1st House of Self/Life

Rheumatism and bone/spine diseases are Capricorn’s territory in the physical body, a feminine earth sign described in Indian astrology as “being bothered by the wind”. Capricorns are often cold and have dry skin. While Capricornian energy of hard work and ambition were familiar to me, secrecy and calculated plotting in the work place lay in my unconscious fears about losing my job/my power in a frightening world. My need for security drove me forward, despite painful rheumatoid joint inflammation. It is hard to stop the momentum of Capricorn, and changing the mind is a slow Saturnian lesson. Ten years prior, I had been a waitress and single mother. I was proud of how far I’d come by grit and choices.

In 2010 Pluto squares Saturn, the ruler of Capricorn, and became extra:

WikiLeaks Julian Assange released millions of classified documents detailing U.S. military operations, toxic waste dumping in Africa and executions at Guantanamo Bay Detention Camp along with hundreds of other secrets.
Chile has one of the strongest earthquakes ever recorded (Pluto rules the deep earth and mined resources).
The tallest building ever is opened in Dubai on January 4, 2010 (AMBITION).
Polish President Lech Kaczyinski dies in a plane crash (change in government).
Haiti has a 7.0 earthquake killing approximately a quarter of a million people.
My Program Director announced his resignation and my workload continued to increase with telemed privilege requests increasing tenfold.
The new Program Director does Not allow me to work at home and expects 10-hour days, even during the holidays.
In December, 2010, I’m diagnosed with fibromyalgia and given Xanax by my doctor when I claim powerlessness over my stress.

Elementary Plutonic Lessons

It’s just as important to be liked at work as it is to be competent (see The 48 Laws of Power by Robert Greene). Being likeable is often MORE beneficial to success than work output or innovative ideas.
I engaged in a power-struggle with the new Program Director I couldn’t win because I felt like I was “right” and it made me much sicker.
Capricorn is attached to being right and will state it aloud bluntly. Journaling is the best outlet for crafting less aggressive speech.
Confirmation bias exists in the fabric of my psyche.
Power corrupts.
Incompetent physicians are propped up/covered for sometimes by their colleagues. It’s a powerful “club”.
Pluto is harsh when we refuse to let go of what is clearly departing. I regret giving fear of the unknown any power.
Always listen to your gut, especially when it comes to people.
When I was offered severance in 2011, I should’ve taken it rather than the offer to work with someone I knew was horribly dishonest and manipulative. The toxicity and plotting that ensued cost me mentally and physically, while I suspect it was a game to her. When I received a copy of my employee file a few months later, the last of my naivete “exited the building”. My file read like Shakespeare, and some betrayals hurt like hell. They’d padded it because I filed a complaint with the EEOC when I was denied an accommodation to continue working at home during active flares (ironic in healthcare, I know). It was small consolation when I heard the two liars primarily responsible for my termination were finally found out for time fraud. My bosses never would’ve believed me if I’d told them how they took whole afternoons off and came in whenever they pleased. I remembered the chief liar asking me before I was fired, “What would you do if you didn’t work here”? There’s no amount of money that’s worth working with snakes.
When in doubt, do what you were put here to do. In August, 2011 I started my blog “The Fifth Decade”, my answer to what I’d do if I didn’t work there.

During this time there are two good friends I am very grateful for (both disabled themselves), as well as my husband. Ableism isolates people like me. I felt as though people thought I just wasn’t trying hard enough; such feelings are common among disabled folks. I continued to push myself for the next few years, even starting my own virtual assistant business and working online for mTurk with microtasks. Multiple rounds of physical therapy resulted, my tendons swelling with repetitive tasks, my mind often foggy from inflammation.

Financial losses and windfalls (also Pluto’s domain):

Loss of work income several times, working for $2/hr at one point
Extended unemployment benefits in 2011, 2012, and 2014
401k used in entirety for living and medical expenses
Social Security Disability approved in 2018 using a “less than sedentary” work ability after 2 yrs of no income

Highlights

In 2012, David and I went to see Cinema Paradiso, a 1988 Italian film where he broke down crying next to me in the tiny art museum theater. When I asked what was wrong, he whispered he was just so happy to have such a good friend. He changed something inside me in that moment.
In January, 2013, Pluto squared my Venus in Aries and I quit smoking cigarettes.
In 2014, despite finances, we took a week-long trip to Ireland, a true dream where I felt well right up to when we arrived at the airport to leave. Lines for Customs or anything else aren’t RA-friendly, I learned.
In 2016, I found an online support group where new friends are amazingly empathetic and loving. A few of us in this area of the country get together in-person once or twice a year.
My flower garden, although much smaller, is a sanctuary. Nature is a balm.
My parents have always been supportive and share their cabin in a wooded island paradise.
I have time to write.
My first and only grandchild was born in 2016.
Our daughter, who lives here now, is thriving.

In 2018, when Pluto was at 18° Capricorn squaring my N. Node in Aries (symbolic of life’s mission) exactly, Rheumatoid Disease attacked my lungs and resulted in a cytokine storm which almost killed me because the doctors only heard the “arthritis” part of RA, unwilling to even consider my suggestion that it was a catalyst. For several days they ordered tests, which came back negative, except for C-reactive Protein, an inflammation marker. A huge dose of IV steroids saved my life after one hospitalist finally called my rheumatologist. There were at least 4 others who ignored me. I fought for my life, and won that year.

After having what they term “critical hallucinations” during my hospital stay, I started meditating and reading a book I inherited from my old friend David, Women Who Run With the Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estes, Ph. D. I facilitated a women’s New Moon circle centered around sisterhood for a year, and began studying astrology. Five years later I know a little bit and can feel the energies around me and in the collective.

I feel like I’ve been given another chance at life, so now I write and take better care of my heart and mind. Over the past few years my vision of myself as a writer has changed. The hustle-culture of poorly-paid traditional publishing doesn’t fit my needs, nor my gifts. While I’m unsure where this road leads, I’m confident and emotionally mature enough to take the wheel now, with my spirit guides and ancestor’s blessings. While life proved how cruel it was long ago, the past fifteen years has shown me deeper darkness and grace than I imagined possible. Every day I anchor myself in the knowledge that everything, except love, is temporary .